The Toughest Rebranding Decision I Ever Faced

Philip Kotler

I had the most impossible and improbable dream last night.

I imagined that my phone rang. The voice was not familiar. He said that he is calling from the President’s office. He said that the President wanted to talk to me.

The President got on the phone. “I want to change my brand. I heard that you are the Father of Modern Marketing. Anything that we say now on the phone must be confidential or even denied. I need your help.”

He told me that he is worried that he will be rated as the worst President of the United States.

The Maga people told me that I will be rated the best President that the United States ever had. Maga wants me to be added to the carvings of Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln and Teddy Rossevelt on Mount Rushmore. They say that I deserve to get the next Nobel Prize for Peace.

However, he knows that so many liberals hate him. So many historians hate him. So many scientists hate him. So many citizens hate him for the high prices of gasoline, food, and medical care. What can he do policy-wise to leave a better picture and rating of him as a great U.S. President.

I told him that he is expecting a miracle. Marketers cannot just use words to repair a person’s image. The only possibility is to change his attitudes and deeds.

Mr. President, you will have to confess to the American public that you have been a mean son of a bitch. You must say that so many of your policies were arrogant, vindictive, hateful and hurtful. You are ashamed of what you have done to others, yourself and your family.

Start by talking publicly about your specific bad policies.

.You should not have adopted “America First”. You lost your allies, including Canada, Britain, Mexico, Japan and many others.

.You pursued a policy of excessively high and arbitrary tariffs which lost further friends and raised prices around the world.

.You attacked our sciences, universities, law firms, justice system, and cultural institutions, extracting huge fines and suppressing their free expression.

.You endorsed sending masked Ice agents into private homes to arrest supposedly illegal persons and sending them to camps or other countries without normal legal procedures.

.You cursed the Democratic Party as it they were traitors and should be jailed, including Obama.

.You gave a bad name to everyone you didn’t like.

.You never sought the best experts to run your departments. You only appointed the most loyal, flattering and incompetent persons.

.You single-handedly started an endless war with Iran that is killing innocent people around the world, raising the cost of every necessity, and causing air and water pollution around the world.

.You never cared for improving the lives of our common citizens. You only cared about helping the rich become richer. You only cared about helping yourself and family get richer.

.You faked being religious. You are so opposite to a true Christian as anyone can be. You are constantly cheating, lying and denying.

I can go on and list scores of other awful choices you made.

The President told me to stop! Are you saying that you can’t help me be seen as the best U.S. President?

I am saying that your only hope is to be seen as not the worst U.S. President. Fix on some former President and keep telling the country that that President was the worst President of the United States.